I’m gonna just say it. Perfectionism is blasphemous. It goes well beyond being damaging to you. Being perfect is NOT your job. It’s not your job. It’s also not possible, and I don’t just mean it’s out of reach because it’s too hard. I mean that perfectionism is not attained based on your decisions so no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t possibly approach it.
Doing the Work
I received a writing/meditating assignment to work through this week and I want to show you what it looks like to do the work of getting over your limiting beliefs, blocks, victimhood, etc. This is unedited, unorganized, off the top of my heart kind of stuff. I’m not perfecting this or organizing it for you–it’s exactly as it flowed out of me and onto the page.
Notice the places where there was still resistance, still anger, still judgment for me to work through. Notice when it turned into conversations with God. This is a powerful way to just tap into your heart and hear answers to your questions, but notice that I had to clear out the anger first before I could have the clarity to hear. Notice how different the tone is–how much less anger and resentment, how much more willingness there is. Now, having done that work, I feel lighter and heavier at the same time. The emotions are freed but still floating in me. I need to do a final purge (shower off the energy, cry, oils, visualize, something to let them go), but they aren’t trapped anymore). I feel lighter because I’m not burdened by the emotions anymore, but heavy because all these things have been brought to my awareness and it is a LOT of energy and emotion.
Here’s what I was assigned to work on:
“Find the places where money was unfair and you were overlooked, and look at it from a third party perspective instead of through my own eyes.
Get the emotion out—if you’re still angry about it you can’t look at it. Get the anger out. Then ask show me why the blessings didn’t come.
Split apart “life’s not fair and I’m overlooked” from money. They’re different and not connected, but you can’t be objective until you separate them.”
And here’s the work that came from it:
I release being angry about not getting paid enough to support our family. I release lack of opportunity. I release the emotional baggage around the hardships these experiences caused our family and the stress that was caused. I release the fear that these experiences caused. I release the resentment towards the world that was caused. I release being angry at God about it. I release feeling betrayed by God about it. I release my expectations being violated. I release feeling let down. I release feeling ashamed of our financial status. I release all the years of comparison. I release envy. I release jealousy. I release feeling less-than. I release feeling punished. I release feeling responsible for that life. I release feeling like a victim of that life. I release feeling angry that life was out of my control. I release holding God responsible and seeking an explanation. Even though God IS responsible (because we did our part and He didn’t do His), I release the anger and resentment that isn’t serving me. I allow the atonement to swallow up the sting and pain of that experience. I allow God to be responsible for it AND for it to not be about me. I allow God to be responsible for it AND I choose not to carry the anger or burden. I release wanting to blame God. I release the false belief that there needs to be a responsible party to blame.
That’s just the way it went. It had no meaning on who we were. It wasn’t about not getting what we deserved. It wasn’t about not measuring up. It just was the journey that happened to befall us. It wasn’t done TO us; it just was.
Poverty allowed us to receive the experience of significant charitable gifts. Poverty allowed us to be able to commiserate with other people who are poor. Poverty created the opportunity for empathy and compassion.
I release and let go of all the negative energy and heaviness of the first 15 years of our married life’s finances. I release and let go of all the stress around money that I have ever known. I release and let go of every instance that had burdened my heart and my shoulders over the years and made me feel small and insignificant and incapable and limited. I release and let go of every fear, worry, discouragement, misery, and defeat we experienced around finances. I allow the past to just be the past–to have no bearing on the future or what’s possible. I release all the sorrow and despair around finances. I release needing a reason for the experience, for the withholding of blessings and relief, for why the solutions weren’t easier or given sooner.
I release needing to be validated in my victimhood. I release holding onto my victimhood. I allow the past to be nothing more than an experience we had. It is meaningless as far as it meaning something about who I am or what I deserve. It is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Who am I without this victimhood?
Without this victimhood, I’m still someone who overcame something hard, a survivor, someone who learned things that I can offer others, someone who didn’t let the hardships of life swallow her. Shouldering the negativity, the embarrassment, and the victimhood doesn’t do anything good for my story. My story is still powerful without victimhood. My story is still valid without continuing to carry the pain of it.
I forgive this experience. I’m sorry for holding onto this negativity. Thank you for teaching me the things that have contributed to my strengths today. I love you. (Ho’oponopono)
I release and let go of all the negativity that surrounds the money experience of my past. It is clear, clean, neutral, forgiven, and moved beyond. It serves no purpose to continue carrying any of it, so it can be put to rest.
Now, what do I need to know about why the blessings didn’t come? (I’m afraid that the answer will not satisfy me)
The blessings didn’t come sooner because….
Without that past story, you wouldn’t have been as teachable as I needed you to be.
Without that past story, the future story wouldn’t have brought you as much joy as I have in store for you.
Without that past story, you wouldn’t know your strength.
Without that past story, you wouldn’t have been as motivated to give, or give to the people I want you to give to.
Without that story, you wouldn’t have sought the answers I wanted you to have–energy work, manifesting, mindset work, brain programming, healing, perspectives on time, vibration. Your struggle allowed me to teach you so many concepts that your mind wouldn’t have been open to if things were coming easily to you. I had to make you dig and work to find the answers so that you could be the powerhouse I need and want you to be. Your feelings of limitlessness and fulfillment come through knowing and being intimately acquainted with the opposite. In order for you to have what you want in life at the magnitude you are capable of, you had to know the depth of hardship.
Is it past then? Will we ever have to face that again?
You still have a little bit of struggle ahead but nothing like it was. It’s just learning money management, intentionality, and discipline from here.
So I can let it go and not carry those past fears anymore?
Yes, those fears are no longer needed. You’ve moved on from that and are ready to live a more abundant life where your needs are met but you’ll need to be wise to satisfy your wants for a while.
Was it ever about money–withholding it, giving it, working for it, the beliefs about it?
No. Money was just the means of teaching you. It could have been anything. Money isn’t important to me. Your growth is. Learn to manage resources and value, but don’t give your power to money any more.
Why have I been overlooked in the past?
Because I was too scared to ask.
Because sometimes people are just worried about their own life that’s also hard and they don’t have the emotional energy to see anyone else’s needs or any other options.
Because I didn’t believe God would deliver
Because I didn’t think things would work out for me.
Because I wasn’t willing to be pushy (and I’m okay with that) or bold enough
Because I cared too much about what people would think.
Because I cared too much about what would happen.
Because I gave power to fear.
Because I didn’t think I was worthy or deserving.
Because I limited myself.
Why did God overlook me?
He didn’t. He just has his way of teaching and guiding and it didn’t look how you thought it would.
Can I put my trust in God to never put me through the feelings of betrayal and abandonment again?
No, not really. If he thinks it’s for your highest good, he’ll do that again. Your job is to just get through it as best you can and then heal from it. Again.
I release PTSD from feeling abandoned and betrayed by God.
How do I get through another season like summer 2017 without losing my faith if something that hard were to happen again? How do I rebuild my faith?
One step at a time, you rebuild. God is patient. He knows what he put you through. He knows how hard it was and he knows the pain it caused. He knows all of it.
If it happens again, just sit with it. Don’t try so hard to change it and make it be something else. Be present in the experience and feel the feelings without judging yourself or God. Just be IN the journey and see where it takes you. Don’t fear the journey. Just let it be whatever it is. Let whatever happens happen. Let whatever appears on the other side appear. Stay open to receiving. Keep doing your part to manifest your desires. Know that the thing you desire is coming and stay in the feeling of it happening and all working out for you. Let go of the timetable and the how. You want to control the timetable by doing your part, but you don’t know all the pieces that go into the timetable–it’s not always just about you doing your part. Sometimes the universe needs the time to rearrange the other side of things to design them and organize them for what you’ve prepared yourself for.
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Some background: until my early 20’s, I lived in a chronic state of depression. I literally didn’t know anything else. I put a negative spin on everything. I was scared of life. My inner voice was a total bully–super mean and nasty.
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